What's On the Beside Table

So, I've not posted anything in a while, but wanted to share what I've been reading. It is an older book by Sarah Ban Breathnach, author of Simple Abundance (which I read years ago, and still periodically read passages from). The title is Excavating Your Authentic Self and it was published in 1998. Several times over the years I've browsed the book at the bookstore, but never bought it because it didn't apply to me. Didn't apply to my life. My authentic self was well and fine, thank you, and didn't need digging up. I mean, it wasn't buried. At least, I didn't think so.

When I picked this book up (from Goodwill) and started reading, I realized how wrong I had been. I completely fit the profile for an authentic self buried. And so. I think I'm going to need a big shovel.

Stay tuned.

This should be interesting.

my name is Kathijane and I am an addict....

Well, I certainly hate to paste this nasty, ugly photo of a burning cigarette into my pretty little blog, but here it is in all its filth (but without the stench). How ridiculous is this? I don't mind the nasty, ugly smoke going into my pretty little lungs, but don't want a picture of it on my blog? Yes, ridiculous! But then, no one has ever claimed addicts are totally rational people. Especially when it comes to their addictions. So, okay, as of now, I am an addict. But in 19 days I will be able to claim myself a "recovering addict." I'm preparing to quit the cigarette habit on May 1st. In doing so, I'm coming face to face with the reality that is "smoking". Facing those things which I've always known, but never wanted to hear. You know, like the fact that the stuff in cigarettes, well it is stuff that shouldn't be going into the human body: butane (think lighter fluid), cadmium (as in batteries), methane (that would be sewer gas), hexamine (barbeque lighter), ammonia (toilet cleaner), methanol (rocket fuel), among other nice things such as nicotine (and accompanying insecticides), arsenic, and carbon monoxide. I mean, I'm not an idiot, because I wouldn't drink lighter fluid, eat a battery, or stick my head in the sewer. But I am an idiot because.... well, smoking... I might as well be doing all those things and then some... downing some rocket fuel while washing my hair with the toilet cleaner. But, what can I say? other than.... I am an addict.

For now, I'm trying to focus on the positives of quitting:

After quitting:

20 minutes Blood pressure, pulse rate and temperature of hands and feet return to normal.

8 hours Nicotine level is now fallen to only 6.25% of normal peak during smoking.

12 hours Blood oxygen level returns to normal.

24 hours Anxieties peak but should normalize within 2 weeks - this is the most critical part, where success depends on this 2 weeks period.

48 hours Damaged nerve endings start to regrow while your smell and taste return to normal; anger and irritability peaks.

72 hours Breathing becomes easier and lungs functional abilities increase with 100% nicotine-free and almost 90% of its by products should have been passed down via urine; symptoms of chemical withdrawal syndrome like restlessness peak.

10 to 14 days Recovery is likely where addiction no longer in place; blood circulation to gum and teeth normalize.

2 weeks to 3 months The risk for heart attack starts to drop and lungs functional begins to improve.

3 weeks to 3 months Blood circulation improves substantially and any chronic cough would have disappear.

1 to 9 months No more fatigue and shortness of breath; cilia have regrow to help to keep your lungs clean and reducing risk of lung infection.

1 year Risk of coronary heart disease dropped to half of a smoker.

1 to 5 years Risk of stroke declined to half of a non-smoker.

10 years Risk of lung cancer declined by half of an average smoker

15 years Risk of coronary heart disease is now that of a person who never smoked.

brain pushups

From Wellsphere:

We all yawn when we're tired, but who knew that it was actually good for us? In fact, it is essential for maintaining optimal brain health, says neuroscientist Andrew Newberg, MD, director of the Center for Spirituality and the Mind at the University of Pennsylvania.

Yawning triggers neural activity in parts of the brain that control its temperature and metabolism.

Newberg recommends yawning 10 times in a row per day. He claims that combining this ritual with a healthy lifestyle will help you relax more effectively than meditation, stay focused on important ideas and concepts, and generate more compassion and empathy for others.

So here it is almost the middle of April and I have yet to post anything to my blog this month. And the reason is.... because.... because.... I've been, yAwn, exercising my brain. Yup. Incessant yawning as I find myself in one of those sleepyhead-foggy-brained-can't-wake-up periods, sleep walking through life, and all the energy I can muster goes to getting through the day. Nothing excites me, nothing makes me wonder, and there are no creative musings on the world around me. As a matter of fact, I don't think I can wring one ounce of creativity from this old brain.

Which, ironically, does make me wonder... what is creativity all about? That is a subject that has always intrigued me. Why can one be so full of it one day, and the next, it is gone. Poof. Just gone. And no matter what you do, you can't get it back. So you go on about your life, sleepwalking, until just as quickly as it left, poof, it is back! An uncreative dry spell, that is where I am.

But according to Elizabeth Gilbert (you know her - Eat, Pray, Love), creativity or no, you gotta keep showing up. Whether your creativity shows up or not, YOU have to show up. Because one never knows at what moment creativity might sneak back into your life.

So... here I am.... just showing up.

YAwn.

beware of falling coconuts

Have you ever wondered exactly when, at what age, you begin to feel "grown up?" I mean, I behave like an adult (most of the time), am responsible like an adult (most of the time), live an adult life, but I just don't feel it. That adultness. That knowing, authoritative grace that comes with wisdom, or age, or whatever it is that makes you a real adult. And, oh my gosh!, when I give one of my children direction, or advice, (or a good scolding), I am so glad they don't know what a fake I am. That they don't know I'm not a grown up at all; they are really only talking to just another child person!

So, I've been trying to figure out exactly how you know when you are really an adult, and here is my conclusion:

To begin with, I've always been a little slow. I don't mean physically slow, I mean, slow as in it takes me getting hit in the head with a coconut 39 times before I realize I'm standing under a coconut tree. And realizing that if I will only move over an inch or two, I won't keep getting knots on the head. This doesn't happen because I'm totally ignorant, it's just that between bonks on the head I get so busy with important things, I forget to think about the falling coconuts. But finally, when that 39th coconut drops and my head has become sore enough, it comes to the forefront of my thought that, oh yeah, I need to move from under this tree. So, I move over and all is well. I can now get back to my important things. And I think.... I think.... that you know you are an adult when you don't have to get hit on the head 39 times to know it's time for action. You know after the first coconut, or maybe the second - depending on just how adult you are. And - here is the important part - you realize that those important things you are so busy doing under the coconut tree - well, the coconuts - they are just as important. They are those nagging problems and bad habits that interfere in our living fully; those things we mean to tend to, but don't. The weeds in our garden of life, I suppose. But it is through working out the kinks in our life - pulling the weeds - that we give ourselves room to expand. That we become more than who we were yesterday. That we eventually grow into our true selves. And we become..... a real adult.

tossing and turning...

After having a vanilla latte at 10:00 last night, unable to sleep, my thoughts got caught up on my many imperfections and I was especially drawn to the fact that I have never mastered anything in my life. I have gone down a lot of streets, both career-wise, and hobby-wise, trying this and trying that, but never stuck with any one thing long enough to declare myself a "master" of anything. On the other hand, the few things I have stuck with - marriage, parenting, friendships - I haven't truly mastered. I do believe that as a wife, a parent, a friend, I will always be learning and adapting in these ever-changing life relationships, and will never feel as though I have completely conquered them, nor do I want to. So, I suppose that is the way it is with anything, be it a job, a craft, or a relationship.

It's like this: On day one of my marriage I didn't know much about what it meant to be a wife. I had some ideas, of course, but looking back on it, you could say the ideas weren't exactly on target - actually, they were way off target. Way, way. And after getting over the disappointment of not being treated to a candlelight dinner every night and learning that yes, sex can become a chore, I had to learn how to wife. And I didn't, after 10 or 15 years into my marriage, decide I had mastered the wife thing and declare myself an expert wife. No, I am constantly learning and relearning how to be a wife. And I will continue this until the day I die. So it is with a job/craft - you don't learn it, become good at it, then sit back and declare yourself a master. You continue to learn and become adept; it is a process; it is continuous and infinite. Which leads me to the conclusion that to master anything, you must continue it your entire life. If that is the case, I will never master a career, will probably never master a hobby; but when I die I will have mastered wiving, parenting, and friendship - the only things that are important anyway.

So I can stop judging myself so harshly about starting things and never "finishing". Because, I do finish. I just think that it doesn't appear so to others. The key is that I do something (job, hobby) long enough to learn all I want to learn about it. Then I go on to the next thing that intriques me. My philosophy is "life's too short", and I don't want to die never having tried the things I want to try. So, ultimately, my concerns all lead back to relationships - not jobs, not crafts - but concern over "what others think". And I really should not care what others think. No, I'll just stay true to myself, thank you.