tossing and turning...

After having a vanilla latte at 10:00 last night, unable to sleep, my thoughts got caught up on my many imperfections and I was especially drawn to the fact that I have never mastered anything in my life. I have gone down a lot of streets, both career-wise, and hobby-wise, trying this and trying that, but never stuck with any one thing long enough to declare myself a "master" of anything. On the other hand, the few things I have stuck with - marriage, parenting, friendships - I haven't truly mastered. I do believe that as a wife, a parent, a friend, I will always be learning and adapting in these ever-changing life relationships, and will never feel as though I have completely conquered them, nor do I want to. So, I suppose that is the way it is with anything, be it a job, a craft, or a relationship.

It's like this: On day one of my marriage I didn't know much about what it meant to be a wife. I had some ideas, of course, but looking back on it, you could say the ideas weren't exactly on target - actually, they were way off target. Way, way. And after getting over the disappointment of not being treated to a candlelight dinner every night and learning that yes, sex can become a chore, I had to learn how to wife. And I didn't, after 10 or 15 years into my marriage, decide I had mastered the wife thing and declare myself an expert wife. No, I am constantly learning and relearning how to be a wife. And I will continue this until the day I die. So it is with a job/craft - you don't learn it, become good at it, then sit back and declare yourself a master. You continue to learn and become adept; it is a process; it is continuous and infinite. Which leads me to the conclusion that to master anything, you must continue it your entire life. If that is the case, I will never master a career, will probably never master a hobby; but when I die I will have mastered wiving, parenting, and friendship - the only things that are important anyway.

So I can stop judging myself so harshly about starting things and never "finishing". Because, I do finish. I just think that it doesn't appear so to others. The key is that I do something (job, hobby) long enough to learn all I want to learn about it. Then I go on to the next thing that intriques me. My philosophy is "life's too short", and I don't want to die never having tried the things I want to try. So, ultimately, my concerns all lead back to relationships - not jobs, not crafts - but concern over "what others think". And I really should not care what others think. No, I'll just stay true to myself, thank you.